Being in a time where posting means a sensitive see-saw of sharing for fun and seeking validation, it’s important to understand why we post personal creations.

For bloggers, it’s easy to understand that you should write because you want to write and share your creations, and not in response to what you think others want to read or what you think will be #trending. Of course, we want others to read what we write, but what we write should come from within. It should be personal—the internet is already crowded, so you might as well just do your own thing. Plus, it’s more enjoyable and sustainable if you blog for the joy of sharing your story.

In short, writing because you are intrinsically motivated to do so seems like a no-brainer, but I think it’s a lesson that is learned the hard way. Hence, the motivation behind this post.

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I’ve been riding a difficult balance between writing for the fun of it and writing to have some impact. Naturally, the two go hand in hand, but the former is a lot easier to manage than the latter. It’s simple to write just-for-fun stories and stories about personal growth—you do it because it matters to you. But it’s part of the human condition to want to feel like you matter to others and that what you do matters, is it not?

For bloggers, we want to know that our post is reaching someone. Influencing through our creations is a powerful motive. So, we share our stories in hopes that they reach someone, somewhere. And there are platforms like social media to help us spread the word, so we do (or at least Ido).

But sharing via social media invites the potential for getting caught up in the validation game. You might guess where this story is going but let me tell it to you anyways. Maybe you’ll see yourself in me (which makes me think of this funny image…

…but never mind that). Back to the story—I promise I have a point.

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Any time I post on my blog, I import the story on Medium. I’m part of the Medium Partner Program, which means my posts are eligible to earn money depending on how much Medium members read my work. Why did I join you ask? Thanks for asking! This is more fun with audience participation (even if it’s all in my head).

My reasoning for joining the program was that since I’m already writing stories for my blog, why not see if they can earn money? It only takes a couple clicks.

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This set a precarious expectation that my writing might earn money. Being paid wasn’t the point of starting my blog, but if I could passively earn money by writing things that I’m intrinsically motivated to write, why not give it a try?

That said, most of my stories have had zilch views on Medium, or close to zilch. I’ve learned to not monitor my stats because I’ve become demoralized from seeing so little interaction with my stories.

I’ve had to remind myself that the reason I write is not to get noticed—it’s because I love to write and create stories. I love that I own my blog, and that it’s a collection of my creations. So, if no one reads my story on Medium, who cares? Most days I learn something about myself from my writing, or I crack myself up as I personify inanimate objects (the Q&A with my IUD is my favorite). I’m earning self-validation which is more important to being a writer than any outside confirmation of my skills.

This is easy to tell myself but not always easy to remember. How about you? I’ll just pretend you’re nodding along. Hey, thanks for sticking with me here.

Now comes the meat of the matter. Side note: Why is it meat of the matter? Why not peanut butter or nut or bean? These are all hearty foods too. And now you have a taste of my food preferences. But back to the bean of the matter.

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After a while of posting, I started to feel the pull of external validation. One of the pieces I shared on LinkedIn and Medium seemed to be gaining traction. I broke my own rule and started obsessing over the stats on Medium—it was getting some hits. My story has had about 400 views on Medium—that’s 10x the number of views I had on my second-most-viewed Medium story. I patted myself on the back for writing something other people were engaging in. And then I thought, hey, maybe this piece will generate some income! Funny how eager I was to know if my Medium presence was booming.

I then learned just how small the earnings were—the piece has barely made a dollar. I saw this as my story having little value, and I was crushed.

The thoughts came reeling in: Well, what did you expect? You’re not a real writer. Only trending writers get a decent return. Better to not even think about earning money for your writing—you’re asking to be disappointed. Besides, didn’t you say you wrote because you loved to write, not to get noticed? Well, now you’re a hypocrite.

In short, I had a pity party. I wish there were cake—dessert would be nice after the main course of salty tears. But a pity cake would be even more pitiful. It would probably be lopsided, sunken in, and someone would have taken a swipe of the frosting. But I digress…

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The after party of the pity party included kicking myself for getting so bogged down by the Medium stats. It became clear that I wanted external validation. I got my hopes up and then felt shot down—a classic case of feeling rejected. I think it hit me so hard because I’ve been slowly battling the desire to be externally validated, to make money for my written work, and when it seemed like I had a lot of readers, it still didn’t translate into monetary value.

I surprised myself by how much I cared. Maybe that’s because I’m newly self-employed and looking for income streams, or maybe it’s because being paid for your work places clear value on it. It’s likely both.

What I learned (yes, finally, the point!) is that expecting external validation is not a good way to send your story into the world. This seems obvious, but I still had to go through the motions to learn it.

As I went through the motions (more like emotions), I came up with a slightly more mushy-gushy version of the lesson: When you write something, it’s your story, no one else’s, and though it might help others, it comes from you. You are helping your creative side express itself. (For the record, I’m switching points of view left and right because I’m telling myself all these things, and maybe it hits home for you too.)

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So now that I’ve learned external and internal validation is a tug-of-war, what do I do about it?

In my post about moving on from a good job, I promised myself that as hard as it might be to pursue my writing/editing passion, especially during bouts of uncertainty, I would keep going. So, here I am reminding myself of these two words: keep going.

Nonetheless, asking myself why I post my writing seems almost as important as the writing itself. If it’s so near and dear to my heart, why should I keep posting and cross-posting? Because I do see value in expanding the reach of my stories—after all, stories are meant to be told. I know my blog posts are true to me and being able to express myself to my own self and to whoever reads it is a privilege. And that’s reason enough to keep going.

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I imagine I will refer to this piece in due course because I will likely learn this lesson again. I hope you took something from it as well, even if it is that image of the squid and shark getting weird. Because we’re all just a little weird and need something to cling to every once in a while. Right now, I cling to the fun of blogging, sharing my story, and thinking I’m kind of funny.

Still reading? Wow, you have some stamina. I write for you too, by the way. On the playground of life, I’d play with you. I’d even share my snacks with you (this is a big deal, trust me). And on that weird note, write on (*flashes peace sign*).