Q&A with Olly Offwidth

Q: Okay, let’s start with the basics. What does an offwidth crack mean anyway?

A: Basically, it means the crack is too big for hand jams but too small to climb like a chimney. It’s a game of one size does NOT fit all and do whatever it takes to get to the top, literally. If it had a theme song, it would be Stuck Like Glue. Or, better yet, Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

Q: Great, now I have those songs stuck in my head. But I guess you like getting things stuck. So, what’s it like to be climbed?

A: Uhh let’s just say it’s a little intimate. I’ve seen my fair share of hips, butts, and chests. I’ve heard a lot of desperate prayers, begging for mercy. I’ve smelled a lot of sweaty-climber smell. I’ve touched a lot of skin . . . and I’ve taken it too. Ha, your face! Don’t worry, I don’t preserve it in jars or anything. Overall, I enjoy the company, but I’m known to throw people out when they overstay their welcome. Not without a souvenir, of course! Gnarly scrapes and bruises beat cheesy magnets any day.

Q: Many climbers call you “physically grueling.” How do you feel about that?

A: Aw, that’s cute. Try eating rocks for breakfast.

Q: Fair enough. Who’s your hero?

A: The Wide Boyz, duh! Man, it would be an honor to crush them. Or would they crush me? Hard to tell sometimes.

Q: I assume a lot of things have gotten stuck in you. What’s the best of them?

A: Oh, I’ll show you my treasure box! I started collecting a while ago. Let’s see here . . . cams, tape, ‘biners, chalk bag, rings . . . oh, here it is! My favorite—this plush avocado keychain. I may have ripped it off a pack on purpose (*grins*). Hey, don’t judge. I needed a cuddle buddy. The space can get lonely, and insects aren’t ones to snuggle. But they do smuggle. It’s like a crumb cartel up in here.

Q: Speaking of snuggling, what’s your favorite human body part?

A: Umm that’s weird. I’m no Hannibal Lecter, you know. But slipping fingers are fun to watch. It’s like a good drama: No, don’t go. I promise I can do better. Please! I need you! Pebbles for popcorn, and this is my Netflix and chill.

Q: Popcorn pebbles. Sounds like a rock’s version of Cocoa Pebbles. What else do you eat?

A: Believe it or not I’m vegan! I know that’s hard to imagine with all the chunky meat sticks—I mean limbs—that get thrown inside me. Literally throwing me a bone. But I’m proudly plant and rock based, and I sneak nibbles from climbers’ snack packs when I can. I’m often force-fed chalk, which is gross. And sweaty chalk? Grosser. But at least there’s salt. Salt is good.

Q: I’m getting hungry, let’s switch gears to gear. How do you feel about helmets?

A: You mean those mushroom cap looking things? Wear them. Sometimes I poop, and it’s hard as rock.

Q: And on that note, I think we’re done here.

A: Oh, okay. I gotta do some weeding for lunch anyway. Rock on!