Q&A with Kyleena, Part I
Q: Why is 6 the magical number of months when you’re expected to have settled in? Seems a long time.
A: You need time to adjust when you move into a new home, right? Same goes for me. I need time to settle in, find my side of the bed, so to speak, figure out where I will hang my decorative strings, etc. It also takes a long time for the Human Body Postal Service to register my change of address form so that I can get my hormones delivered directly to me. After I’m all settled in, I’d like to have a housewarming party—you’re invited, of course—at which point we should be cozy with each other.
Q: Does it get tiring to have you arms spread like a T all the time?
A: Nah. In the IUD factory, they make you do arm/shoulder/back workouts every minute, from the moment you’re made, to the moment you’re put in that box for delivery to the doctor’s office. These arms and shoulders are rock solid. I would challenge any beastly gym rat to an arm-wrestling match. Leg day is a different matter. I’m a little self-conscious of my stringy legs.
Q: It seems like every level of period with an IUD is normal—like it’s normal if you don’t spot, it’s normal if you do; it’s normal if your period stops forever, it’s normal if it continues on as if nothing happened. Why does it vary so much? It’s hard to know what’s normal, which can be taxing on the mind, you know.
A: I am complex, as is my relationship with your reproductive system. There is no normal. Even if there were, I would still be weird. It’s just the nature of hormones…you remember adolescence, don’t you?
Q: Why are IUDs commonly called feminine names? For example, why not Burt?
A: That’s a great question. Male names could be fun, too. My colleague Paragard has a neutral name—I wonder how they would answer this question. It is pretty funny, though—Skyla, Kyleena, Mirena…all those ‘ah’s!’ Waldo could be a good one, though you wouldn’t wanna jinx your IUD into a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ situation. That would be worrisome. Burt sounds burly, which I’m not, but Bertie sounds fun! But then I also hear ‘Bernie’ and then think of Bernie Sanders…I’m not sure that’s the image we want for IUDs everywhere. Got a baby name book handy?
Q: Are you affecting my mood?
A: Another great question. The doctor will tell you that it’s a possibility, but then we go back to your question about what is “normal.” I’ve heard some women think it impacts their mood and they wouldn’t be crazy for thinking that. But, like me, you are also complicated, so it’s probably a multitude of things impacting your mood, right? I realize that’s an annoying answer. But if it stays a thing after the magical 6-month mark, maybe it’s time to reassess our time together and that’s okay! In the meantime, I’ll smile more.
Q: Why should I trust you in preventing pregnancy? It’s a big ask—that trust—especially if I don’t have a monthly period to tell me I’m not pregnant.
A: Yeah, it is asking a lot for little me to keep that from happening. Those sperm can be sneaky little buggers. Your vagina already makes it a less welcoming environment for them—it’s pretty sour in there and traveling through it is like sucking on those sour Warhead candies—the “extreme sour” ones, even. For those tough nuggets that think sour candy is child’s play, I have a great system going, backed by science and all that. I solemnly swear to always do my best. If it helps to see my CV, you’ll notice that I graduated Summa Cum Laude from University of Birth Control. I was known to bring in A+ after A+, always hovering around 99% on my effectiveness exams. So, you can expect the same here in Cervix Land. Any time you have a little doubt, remember that John Hiatt song, “Have a Little Faith in Me.” If you sing it to yourself, I’ll hear it down there and be heartened to know you’re thinking of me.
Q: What would you tell my partner?
A: You’re welcome.
Q: What do you like to do on your days off?
A: I’m always working—some days more than others, but I’m always on the clock. I’ve noticed a pattern that sperm tend to travel at night, like right around human bedtime. Occasionally, they come swimming through during the day, but have no fear, I am always ready to assume the position—picture the Karate Kid. On days I’m less busy, I like to do some light reading—there are so many articles about me online—calisthenics and stretching—helps keep me in shape—and catch up with your vagina—yeah, I’m a vagina whisperer. You’d be surprised at how many stories your vagina has—those walls do speak!
Q: Why do you think sex is a taboo?
A: Ah, I love this question. And I love talking about sex, from the scientific perspective as well as the emotional-physical-spiritual perspective. I think the key issue about sex being a taboo is that sex education is not comprehensive. I mean, how is abstinence-only education still a thing? Gah, it annoys me. Maybe I’m self-centered, but I want people to learn about how great my colleagues and I are! That aside, even for those who do have sex education, it is likely not great, which is another conversation, entirely. Sex is my lingo so it’s hard for me to say why it’s hard for people to talk about. In short, I think sex is a taboo because it involves nakedness—at least to some degree—pleasure, and consent. All these things are hard to talk about in everyday conversation because they are so personal and sometimes fraught with embarrassment, or, worse, fear. But they should be talked about, and if we can get people to talk about them at younger—still appropriate—ages, then it will become more normalized and easier to bring up in conversation. I have hope such a thing will happen as more and more states adopt comprehensive sex ed. Your own Washington State just did! I sometimes fantasize about people talking about me as casually as they talk about what to have for dinner. That’ll be the day!
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Not here. My powers don’t last forever. I will throw a fabulous send-off party for myself. It’s years away, but you should mark your calendar. It’s important it happens before my 5th birthday, trust me.
Q: If you could give one piece of advice what would it be?
A: At University of Birth Control, they always told us, “Whatever you are, be a good one.” I think Abe Lincoln is attributed with that quote and he was a smart guy. I think the same applies to humans—whoever you are, be a good you. And you should talk about me more (*winks*).
(Part II here)
