Q&A with COVID-19, Part II

(Part I here)

Q: We’ll make this quick again because I know you’re still busy. But I won’t go easy on you this time. Let’s get right to it. Are you done yet?

A: Whoa, Nelly! Not beating around the bush, are you? That’s cool with me. I know I’m not very well liked, despite being popular. I mean, look how much news coverage I’ve gotten! Talk about celebrity status. I know, I know, I shouldn’t boast. That’s not why I’m here.

Q: Are you sweating?

A: Are you surprised?! You put me in the hot seat! It’s not easy, you know, even after seven months of this. And to answer your first question, it’s not really up to me, is it? Can I get some water?

Q: What do you mean? You can’t just disappear?

A: Ha! Wouldn’t that be nice. You humans have spread me pretty thin. I’m exhausted. I wish I could retire, but I probably have at least another year before I can take a step back.

Q: So, the fame of going viral has gotten to you, has it? Poor you.

A: Gee, no sympathy at all, huh? Of course it has. It all happened so fast. One minute, I’m local news, and the next, I’m a household name around the world. And no one is in my corner, nor do I have a shoulder to lean on. I still feel terrible about the pandemic, but I would argue it’s not my problem anymore.

Q: Oh yeah?

A: Yeah. Don’t get your panties in a wad, alright? You humans are more powerful than me. You can prevent me. In our first interview, I said that if given a megaphone, I would tell the world to wash their hands all the time. Public health 101, I think I said. Now, public health 201, you’ve learned face masks and physical distancing also help. So, just do it. It’s not that hard. AND STOP BLAMING ME! Sorry, that was loud. I’m just a little frustrated, and I haven’t slept since last December, so I’m a little cranky.

Q: Hey, understandable, I’ll give you that. Speaking of sleep, I heard the virus may have been dormant before the outbreak. Can you comment on that?

A: Ah, you read the Newsweek article. I will decline comment because one, I’m not the virus as you people seem to have a hard time grasping, and two, I would hesitate to draw any conclusions without robust evidence, which there is not yet. It is interesting to think about though, right? SARS-CoV-2 continues to surprise us. It’s a sneaky bugger, isn’t it? And a bit cocky. It’s amazing what having a crown can do to the ego.

Q: Shouldn’t you have some sort of telepathy with it? I mean, you’re basically joined at the hip.

A: Nah. Sure, we’ve had some intense bonding experiences, but it doesn’t tell me everything. I mean, some things remain a mystery between partners, right?

[inaudible comment]

A: What was that?

Q: I said partners in crime.

A: Fine, I’ll give you that. But before you all start blaming me for getting cozy with SARS, think about how you can cut the tie between us. Clean hands, face masks, six feet apart, stay local: all effective scissors. I wouldn’t be sad, in case you were wondering.

Q: No?

A: No. Like I said, I’m over it. It’s a toxic relationship, really. Help me out!

Q: Okay, point taken. I think that’s enough tension for one interview. Anything more you’d like to say? A positive note to end on maybe?

A: Aw, thanks for the opportunity to be the nice guy for once! I’d say follow Good News Movement on Instagram. I discovered it when I was feeling pretty down about things. It’ll give you hope for humanity. And smile at each other more! Yes, your mouth is hidden—or it should be—but you can still smile with your eyes. Tyra Banks would be so proud! Thumbs up also works. As do jazz hands.

Q: Do you even have thumbs? Never mind. Do as I say, not as I do, right?

A: Sure. But just do it. You think Nike would be mad that I keep using their slogan? Can’t be good for their PR.

Q: Hmm maybe just don’t hashtag it. Wait, do you know what a hashtag is?

A: Girl, I wasn’t born yesterday! I’m worldly, you know.

Q: And now we’ve come full circle. I’m calling it here. By the way, did you ever get your water?

A: That was on purpose wasn’t it? Talk about being grilled. Whatever, I’m cool as a cucumber now. I’ll see myself out? Hit the road Jack . . .

Q: And don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more . . .