Q&A with Bennie Bean
Q: Okay, Bennie, ready to get started?
A: Yeah! Hit me with your best shot. . . .
Q: Sing-songy today, are we? You seem to be in a good mood.
A: Why not? My top is popped—thanks for that, by the way. Most of the time my lips are sealed, a pact I grudgingly hold as a Shelf Stable Champion. So, it’s a relief when someone takes a can opener to me. I mean, it’s scary because hello sharp teeth! Clamping down on my neck with no mercy. But I just squeeze my eyes shut and go to my happy place, which is in a big pot of warm chili, preferably vegan. Meat is often a bully, thinking it’s all tough until it tenderizes, and then it’s resentful that it got soft. Anyway, yeah, I’m chatty when I’m open. So, what do you wanna talk about?
Q: Okay, chatter-cylinder. Let’s—
A: Ha, clever! I like that. I’m gonna take that back to my shelf buddies. Chatterboxes are so square. Chatter-cylinders can roll with the punches.
Q: Ah, good one. You like puns, huh.
A: Totally. In fact, I won the “punniest” award back at the canning factory. They had us lined up in neat rows, you know, preparing us for real life and all that. Man, we were packed like sardines!
Q: Again, punny.
A: *wiggles top*
Q: So, why don’t we get started—finally—with you telling us a little bit about yourself. A brief history, if you will.
A: Gosh, that’s a lot! But I’ll try. Well, I’m from the legume family, which sounds boring, but we’re actually pretty popular. Did you know beans have a lot of protein? You probably did—you look like a smarty pants. But what’s cool about bean protein is that it’s a lean protein. Meat only wishes it could be as ripped as us! Sorry, hunks. We also have a lot of fiber, which gets us teased a lot, as you can imagine. Hey, farty pants! But joke’s on them—we don’t wear pants (*blushes*). Anyway, that’s just the nutrition side. On a more personal note, I like my shape, I enjoy a good rinse, and I think cayenne pepper has the hots for me.
Q: Ooh getting spicy. Seems like you’re pretty proud of where you come from?
A: Yeah, I am. I majored in agriculture at the factory. My parents pushed me into it. I would have rather majored in theater, but they said it’s good to understand where you come from, yada yada. Now I get it. Older and wiser and all that.
Q: Fair enough. So, you like to act?
A: Mhmm! Sure do! They usually put me in the same kind of role—you know, anything cylindrical. I played such a convincing foam roller once that a small human actually tried rolling on me! It was pretty awkward—they were working on their “lower back.”
Q: Well, way to stay strong, I guess. Do you have any other hobbies?
A: Oh yeah. Long shelf life equals lots of down time. I love to read—nutrition labels are my favorite genre. Some are such mysteries! I also enjoy chatting with Pete Peanut Butter—he’s so nutty. Sometimes I journal, but it usually turns into dreaming up recipes that I star in.
Q: Oh yeah? Care to share some recipe ideas?
A: Oh sure! Kale bean salad is a hit in my household. As is chili, of course. Another favorite is what the humans call “chili potatoes.” It features pan-fried potatoes, soyrizo, corn, spinach, and yours truly. Oh, and don’t forget onion and garlic! Lots of garlic. And when it’s looking dismal in the fridge, you can always throw me with rice. We complete each other. That’s a complete protein joke, in case you missed it.
Q: Cool. I think our readers will appreciate the ideas. Anything else you’d like to add before we end?
A: Done already? Gee, I could talk all day! But then again, I have all the time in the world—almost. I’ll leave you with this—will you pass it along for me (*hands over folded paper*)?
Dear Cayenne,
Dinner tonight?
Love,
Bennie
