So, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, as you can see, I’m a white, slimy block. But I have depth, you know. I’m the strongest of my crew—extra firm, baby! But I’m soft around the edges, too, showing my sensitive side (*winks*). I usually end up being cubed—god, knives are terrifying—but I like to see it as making a bunch of cute babies. I mean who doesn’t love a little hunk o’ chunk? So, yeah, I think I’m pretty lovable, like the Pillsbury Doughboy of meat alternatives, but I see people shudder when they look at me. They just don’t see my potential. Hmph!
What’s it like sitting in a plastic bathtub of murky water all the time?
It ain’t so bad. Actually, it’s quite nice! Think of it as the Soybean Spa. It’s like a therapeutic soak, but you don’t get pruney fingers. Plus, you know where the water came from you so it’s not like being at the community pool and coming across the dreaded warm spot. Gross! Nah, this plastic tub of mine is pretty nice (*assumes a lounging position*).
What’s it like to be baked?
Ah, yes! So, the plastic tub is the spa and the baking sheet is the tanning bed. Who knew tofu was so self-indulgent, huh? Lying in the warmth of the oven is the equivalent of you humans lying in the sun—it just feels nice. I actively choose not to entertain the parallels with the Hansel and Gretel tale—yikes. Being fried, though, is not so fun. It’s just too hot and the sizzle creeps me out. Coming out with a crispy shell makes me feel like I’m in someone else’s skin, like the leathery man slapping tanning oil on his jerky-like skin. But I guess you humans like the crunch factor. And jerky (*shudders*).
Do you celebrate any holidays?
In the plant-based food community, we go all out on Earth Day. This is the one day a year we can strut our stuff and show off how environmentally friendly we are. We don recycled paper party hats, make peace offerings to our plant ancestors, and brag about our low carbon footprint. Tempeh and tofu exchange war stories of being fried to pieces. There are bowls of Bugles, rock painting stations, nutritional yeast glitter bombs, and dance floors. Even the firmest of tofu blocks let loose. Spaghetti has the best moves, of course (*rolls eyes*). This last Earth Day, the avocados gave a really interesting lecture on the avocado war—being in high demand has put a strain on water sources in the areas avocados are grown. I tell you this to help spread the word. We like to party, but we’re intellectuals and environmental activists too.
If you could write a note to the future of humankind, what would it say?
Whatever you are, be a good one. Take it from a hunk of tofu—you can feel soft and squidgy, powerless even, but when you start to poke and prod, you see what you can become. Try not to laugh like the Pillsbury Doughboy, though. Pretty sure that’s patented till the end of time. Real world advice, folks!
